A year ago I went to Alaska, twice. Once to visit family with Elliott and go on an adventure. Then 4 days after I came back to LA, I flew a red eye back to Anchorage to deal with the breakup that had happened on the flight home from the first trip.
My family gave me a lot of support and my cousins let me crash their trip to Denali (thanks again guys). After 5 years with Elliott, I was just in shock. It wasn’t dramatic, it just wasn’t working. And it was sad and scary.
Then I stayed another 10 days just because it felt good to be there.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since then. I’ve kept myself really busy–with Rue, Standard, Rue again, trip to New York, the desert, living with Marie, being featured in Sunset (and yes that photo of me was taken about 3 days after the breakup), 2 trips to San Francisco, spread in Anthology, shooting for emily, moving to a new place (and out of the old one), shooting for At Your Leisure, AYL again, visiting the house in Todos Santos, being on Oh Joy, working on the Show, shooting dwell on design, Victoria spotlighting me, dating, the New York Times, more dating, more New York Times, the Show again, and just a whole lot more.
I’m proud of all the things I’ve been able to accomplish in a year. I feel more independent and capable and I’ve carved out more of a life for myself. But the truth is that it’s really only now that I’m actually starting to feel a lot of the loss. Not to get all woowoo feelings about it all, but I think I needed to be busy to get through the transition. And I was basically exhausted for the entire year. Now that I’m actually settled, I’m really able to feel all the shittiness. Acutely. And it sucks.
I don’t normally get super personal around here, but this was such a milestone and has been such a big part of the last year that I really wanted to share. I’m slowing down a bit, going to go up north and visit my other cousins with my mom. One of them lives in a yurt, the other lives close to redwoods. This will be good for me.